


Butterflies and Flowers

by KoroRii



Category: Free!
Genre: (Non-con is not written), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Edo Period, First Love, Hanahaki Disease, Historical Inaccuracy, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-07-15 14:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16065359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoroRii/pseuds/KoroRii
Summary: Nagisa comes to understand love, and what it feels like to be loved.





	1. i'm truly grateful to have met you, but

They were young when they first met. So young that Nagisa couldn’t even count all the fingers on his hands and toes because no one taught him how to. So young that he couldn’t reach the branches of the trees in his garden even with some support. So young that he couldn’t even begin to understand this funny feeling within him.

Whenever the boy came near—Rei, Rei was his name—Nagisa felt strange things happen inside his body. He couldn’t describe it as well as Rei described everyday occurrences with difficult and advanced vocabulary, so whenever it happened, he thought of the butterflies that Rei loved so much.  

Whenever Rei came near, butterflies settled within his stomach and made him nervous, queasy.

Whenever Rei spoke, butterflies tickled his throat and made him laugh loudly.

Whenever Rei smiled, butterflies flew wildly in his lungs, and sometimes it was hard to breathe.

Nagisa couldn’t begin to understand this funny feeling, but the only thing he did know was that it never faded away, even as he grew taller, even as he learned how to read and write, even as he was pampered and trained into a role that was forced upon him, one that his sisters too grew into. Not once had he looked away from the intelligent, prideful Rei, and that was probably what made the butterflies worse.

 

 

 

At eleven, Nagisa does not understand a lot of things.

He doesn’t know why the sun goes to sleep at night and why the moon sleeps during the day. He doesn’t know why his sisters insist on leaving him by himself most of the day and all of the night. He doesn’t know where his parents had gone, but he knows what they look like because his oldest sister often talks about them, when all was quiet and peaceful. Nagisa doesn’t know how to read words with more than five strokes, much less write them. That is why Rei makes it a point to join Nagisa while no one is home, bringing his books and brushes with him. Nagisa greets him at the entrance every time, smiling and asking if he wants some tea like his sisters taught him how to.

Currently, they were sitting in one of the tables in their guest rooms, utilizing it only because it was short enough for both of them. Sitting on the floor, chatting idly while they worked, Nagisa feels happy.

Then he doubles over suddenly, his body shaking with coughs he could not control. He covers his mouth to contain the fit, but it does not subside.

Rei, who was in the middle of preparing another writing practice for Nagisa, quickly comes to the blond’s side. “N-Nagisa-kun?” His voice cries out. “Are you okay? Were you ill this whole time?”

Once the coughs weaken to small huffs of breath, Nagisa offers a small smile. “I’m fine, Rei-chan!” He says, _he lies_. Admittedly, for the past few weeks, the butterflies had gotten more… adventurous. Their erratic movements elicit more coughs from him, and they seem to be flitting about constantly, never resting. He had gotten used to it when he was little. They were welcome, almost, because the winged insects reminded him of Rei, and it brought him warmth. Now, it brings him pain to even connect the two ideas together.

Of course, it was hard to not think about Rei—what’s he doing, how’s he feeling, is he looking at the same sky as Nagisa, can he see that fish-shaped cloud, can he see the stars that twinkle just like his eyes when he discovers something new—and so, he was in constant pain, hurting from within because of figurative bugs.

“I, uh, it’s probably the heat,” he states weakly. “Summer fatigue is not new to me, Rei-chan… it will pass quickly, I’m sure.”

Rei, bright mind always working, raises an eyebrow suspiciously, but did not further question his pupil and friend. “Alright…” He concedes, though his worry did not diminish. “Be advised that though summer is drawing to a close, your body cannot handle the heat well, so continue to take care of yourself. Do not risk your health, Nagisa-kun.”

“Yes, Rei-chan!” Nagisa smiles, smiles through the gnawing pain within his chest, smiles through the fluttering warmth within his stomach. “I’ll be careful!”

Rei’s face, still stern, does not seem entirely convinced. “Let us pause for a moment,” he says, standing briskly. “I will get us some water. Wait here for me, okay?”

Nagisa’s eyes widen. “Oh, no, you don’t have to!” He frets, but Rei insists with a hardy smile as he steps out of the room. Alone, Nagisa could only watch as he disappeared, heaving a small, broken sigh.

“Rei-chan cares…”

 

 

 

At thirteen, Nagisa attempts to understand more.

One day, he confronts the youngest out of his older sisters about their whereabouts during the day and night.

She frowns at him, eyes sharp while twirling a perfect strand of hair through her fingers. “Why?” she asks, tilting her head. “You excited to join us?”

Nagisa blinks. “Join you?” he repeats for clarification. Then, he smiles. “I can?”

“Wow, eager.” she laughs, but the sound is not a bird’s chirp, it’s a snake’s hiss. “Onee-san will be glad to hear you say that… huh, you’re almost that age, might as well tell her now to get you ready.”

Nagisa, too excited by the idea to recognize the bite in her tone, jumps up. “Yay!” he cheers, relieved he doesn’t have to be bored all day, relieved he doesn’t have to wait for his sisters to come home the next day for food, _relieved I don’t have to be alone anymore_. “What’re we going to do?”

His sister rests a chin on her palm, looking away. “Little brother,” she starts, sighing. “Y’know, we didn’t tell you for a reason… and once you do know, you’ll come to hate it, to hate us.”

Nagisa gasped, that couldn’t be true! “That would never happen, ‘nee-chan!” he exclaims, running to his sister and stopping before her—he feels that it is too impolite to hug her without consent or acknowledgement. He gives her a strong grin. “I’ll never hate you or any of our sisters… We’re family, after all!”

The blonde girl allows a small, sad smile to escape, but it was so slight that Nagisa could not detect it. “You’ll come to hate the fact that we’re family too…” she says, her words a tad softer. “It’s because we’re connected by blood that we are… being forced to do what we are doing.”

“I won’t, I swear!” Nagisa says, unwavering. “You’re family, you’re all I have!” Why was that so hard to understand? Perhaps it wasn’t strange for someone to understand what he does—if you’re really close, you’ll always be by that person’s side no matter what, right? You’ll always cherish them and protect them, and make sure they’re alright even if the whole world is against them, right? He could never possibly hate them, abandon them. _They’re all I have_.

“Huh, isn’t that a shame?” his sister supplies him another smile, and this time, Nagisa notices. It is the first time he finds a smile that isn’t happy. “Nagisa, no matter what they do… No matter what _we_ do, I hope… you won’t hate us.”

Nagisa doesn’t reply so readily this time. He pauses, allowing her words and their mysterious meaning to settle in. Inside, it stings as much as his coughs do, but this time, his chest is filled with something fluid, something cold, something he can’t quite contain and hold down. It flows through his arms and fingers, and he instinctively holds his arm with a tight hand.

“You’re shaking,” his sister points out, and if Nagisa hadn’t looked away so quickly, he would notice the worry in her eyes. “Nagisa, listen…”

“No!” he shouts, breathing in before diving into his sister’s arms. He’s never done this, not since he was very, very young and unable to make sense of anything. The feeling of his sister’s warmth, her scent of some spice Nagisa is fond of, _her arms around me_ , is foreign to him. It was unknown to him, but not unwelcome. When she returned the embrace, he tightened his own around her.

“Nagisa?” Nagisa catches himself smiling, and it makes him smile wider. He likes this, likes the feeling of someone holding him. He forgot how much he enjoys the presence of another, especially so close to him. Rei had been so busy lately, and he’s been lonely and confused, each day a new hurtful feeling hits him, and he can’t place where it originates or what had caused it. It’s nice that a simple touch from another person can cure that pain, albeit temporarily.

“I… I might be scared, but…” Nagisa begins with a short cough, burying his face into a shoulder he has never cried on. “I think that if you guys are there, I’ll be fine! And… I’ll do anything to help you guys!”

A hand pets his hair, and Nagisa isn’t ashamed to admit that he purrs at the sensation. He does not dare open his eyes or turn his head up in fear of breaking this wonderful dream. “You’re a good kid, Nagisa.”

The cold within him is replaced with something warm, fluttering, and it tickles him so much that he starts laughing. His sister laughs with him. 

 

 

 

At sixteen, Nagisa finally understands. 

His sisters had taught him as they said they said they were going to, dolled him as if he were like them, _I am_ , and sold him. He understands why he learned to move so languidly, as if to taunt, tease, without exerting much effort. He understood why he needed to conserve his energy, and how utterly exhausted he ended up being if he didn’t, physically and emotionally. Finally, he understood why this role was so essential for him to play, and why not one mistake should be made. He understood why he no longer saw his his two eldest sisters.

Yet, he still could not understand the feeling caused by restless wings and wandering antennas. It still hurt, so much more than what his clients forced him to do, worse than the humiliating performances and faked smiles.

His only solace lies in a single letter, resting undisturbed inside a minimalistic drawer. A letter that he did not open often to read because it brought tears to his eyes. A letter that he opened often to remember the author of such beautiful words. A letter that brought him hell and heaven within a single page.

Rei Ryuugazaki had moved away. There was no other way to put it. Simply put, he had abandoned Nagisa to become something greater. Put in a way that Nagisa still struggled to accept, Rei had decided that a better future for himself did not reside in this downtrodden, corrupt hole in the wall, but rather the bright, far away capital bustling with possibilities. So, as soon as he was able, as soon as he was given the chance, he gathered his belongings and left.

Nagisa sighs, eyes drowning in tears that he refuses to let fall. He will not feel sad. It was not fair to Rei. He deserves a better life, better than what this dump could offer, _better than what I could offer_. Nagisa struggles to contain said tears, yet the pain was still so fresh and raw and new, a lingering foul taste that made him grimace in disgust. He wants to be proud of Rei, he knew he should be.

Rei was brilliant, on par with scholars who created their own writings, documented new discoveries from travels beyond the ocean, and other things Nagisa could not even begin to fathom. Being stuck here, surrounded by people who didn’t deserve to even witness his aspiring genius, was not good, not healthy, for him.

However, was it too selfish to wish for him to stay? Was Nagisa too selfish for craving his presence? Should he be allowed to feel this way? What did the eleven years they spent together mean to Rei? To Nagisa, Rei was his whole world—all he saw, all he knew, all he adored, all he could trust, all he could hope for—and without him, what can Nagisa do? Rei was a constant in his life, and now that he’s gone, he’s disappeared, he’s not here, _he left me_ , what can Nagisa do?

Rei must be doing so well, _since he doesn’t have me to worry about anymore_. He must be meeting with that fellow who visited his father the day snow started to fall before Rei’s eleventh birthday. Must be the same one who made Rei stay inside in order to speak with him about pursuing his studies, his career, _his dreams_  a couple of years later, leaving Nagisa without a playmate, leaving Nagisa to stay outside of Rei’s home, and wondering where his friend had gone and feeling colder by the minute. Must be the same one who urged Rei forward, bags in hand, while Nagisa could only watch, unmoving, as his world is being destroyed right before him.

But… he must be happy.

No matter how much it stings, no matter how much Nagisa hurts, this is fine. If Rei is satisfied and truly content wherever he is, then Nagisa felt the same. Undoubtedly, he will continue to miss him, _miss him so much_ , but even if he wished with everything he has for Rei to come back to him, he will not. Given enough time, Nagisa can wholeheartedly accept that.

Now, tears streaming down his face as freely as that day, Nagisa lets out a loud sob. He’s alone, and he always will be. No one to hold him, no one to care for him, no one to… to…

…

—Suddenly, coughs explodes from his mouth, clawing their way through his throat and burning him brighter than any pain he’s ever experienced. Unable to contain the strong fit _, oh god, why does it hurt so much I can’t breathe_ , he falls to his side, curling up and fisting his hands to cope with the fire within him. 

After opening his eyes slowly upon realizing the fit quieted down, he spots a couple of flower petals near him, its beautiful purple hue speckled with drops of red.

He doesn’t understand.

“Help me… Rei-chan…”

 

 

 

At eighteen, Nagisa loses his virginity.

 

 

 

At twenty, the petals increase, the coughs are stronger, and Nagisa is weaker.

More often than not, he is in constant pain. Miserable, void of energy, and utterly moody, he makes an enemy out of the other women and young men that share his living space. When he passes by them in the morning, they scoff at him. When he returns during his free time, they avoid him. When he is screaming and moaning and _lying_ , they must be sneering in ugly joy.

Nagisa requests for a bowl to keep the petals in, and keeps a miniscule amount of water inside. The color of the petals seeps into the water, staining it a light purple. He glances at the bowl every moment he can, and he feels himself want to gag. He washes the cloth that he coughs into almost every other night, collecting the petals before rubbing the red away, but now the cloth is pink.

How much longer until it will turn completely red?

There is a knock at his door, and Nagisa blinks once, twice, before turning towards the sound. “Yes?”

It slides open silently, and there stands one of the other workers. It is a boy with a shy face, a cute little mole, and long hair perfect for pulling. Nagisa smiles sadly at the thought; he’s still so young, so innocent. They may be only three years apart, yet Nagisa feels so much older, so much more worn.

“Ah, Hazuki-san, Amakata-sama requests for your presence,” he says timidly, smiling and bowing slightly as if it were the normal, polite thing to do. Around here, it certainly helps to be nice to others in order to gain their trust and support, but it does not work on Nagisa, as it seems he lost that and more when concerning himself with the others.

He nods his affirmative, lifting his lips to form a tight smile of his own. “Thank you, Nitori,” he says as he stands, brushing off the lanky dress he wore. The fabric is thin, he notices, and crumpled some. Perhaps he should invest in a new robe or two to wear casually. Perhaps it was time to swallow his pride and wear the expensive silk his patrons had gifted him in the last few weeks, when his popularity gradually began to spike. 

_Does it matter? Is there a reason to care?_

“Lead the way,” he gestures towards the smaller boy, and the other nods excitedly. Nagisa raises an eyebrow at him, crossing his arms and taking a strand of his own long hair within his fingertips. _I wonder if that was what I looked like before this place, these people, violated me_ . He let his eyes wander to the ground, trailing after the boy as they walked down the hall. _I wonder if this is what ‘nee-chan felt_.

He lifts his gaze again, looking at the back of the boy’s head, praying the best for him, that his spirit will not wither. _Well, what’s the use of praying in this damned place?_

 

 

 

At three o’clock, Nagisa is scheduled for an appointment with a visiting doctor. He, along with the others, were to be examined in order to prevent those sickly or infected from continuing to work. What happens to those that were found to be ill, he doesn’t know, but he feels like he does. 

It was then that Nagisa knew he was done for. They will notice the unusual petals spilling out of his lips, they will know about the coughs that are strong enough to draw blood, they will see him vulnerable and weak. They will leave him to die as quietly as the falling snow. 

Nagisa holds himself, because no one else will.

With uncertain, cautious steps, he makes his way to the free room they assigned to the doctor. He was glad that it was a clean room, used for serving tea rather than for pleasure. While he approaches the room, he wonders what kind of person the doctor is. The others were whispering of his charm, his young skin and strong body, his sweet voice. The gossip makes him sicker than he already felt.

He stills his breath as he slides the door open, calling out a hushed “Pardon my intrusion.”

He tries to walk in, to walk to where he was supposed to sit and lie down, but he finds himself unable to take another step.

“Nagisa-kun?” The same purple that has taunted him in his dreams, that have given him the courage to keep pursuing tomorrow. The same purple that chokes him until he suffocates, even now.

“R-Rei… Rei-chan…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys it's 3AM and so this is poorly edited. ,w,  
> pls inform me of any mistakes you find! thank you for reading <3


	2. we've grown up, and i wish nothing has changed

Nagisa sits across from Rei, glancing at him with little twitches of his eyes, attempting to be discreet. He cannot quite place a name to the emotion that fills him to the point of almost overflowing into an outburst—not yet, but almost. His mentoring courtesans and sisters trained him to hold himself in a refined manner, ensuring and maintaining a calm and collected posture at all times. Nagisa, used to expressing himself freely, had to frequently bite his tongue harshly in order to prevent a rude retort or a retaliating hand to slip from him. Now, he bites his tongue to stop himself from running into Rei’s arms and hold him and _never let him go, never again_.

“Ah, I… I, uh…” Rei begins, fumbling with the tools in his hands, no doubt feeling lame for his unplanned clumsiness. “It has… been a while, Nagisa-kun.” Nagisa wants to laugh, he’s still the same: shy, brilliant, and still as handsome… no, even more so now, as his jawline is more defined, his hair isn’t as dishevelled, his eyes are brighter and wiser, and his lips… and it makes Nagisa so, so happy. He hasn’t changed, he’s still the same, _he’s still my Rei_.

“Yes, six years now,” he agrees with a smile, remembering how he must be pleasant, gracious, and _always mislead them, never let them know how important they are, they must want you_ . Nagisa startles slightly at the unconscious thought. _No, I musn’t think that way, not now_ . He glances up once more, through blond eyelashes that have enticed many. _It’s Rei, not some faceless customer_. “You haven’t changed much.”

Rei blinks at that, his expression implying that Nagisa had told him something bizarre, like penguins that live in sand dunes exist, then offers a smile, one Nagisa doesn’t bother to decipher because he already knows it isn’t a happy one. “I wish I could say the same for you.”

Nagisa’s heart pumps wildly in his chest, and he feels those _damned butterflies_ flying about, and it nearly drives him crazy. He swears he can hear their noises in his ears, or is that just his heartbeat? It’s a silent buzzing that makes him unconsciously brush a hair behind his ear, feeling itchy. He gives Rei a smile of his own, one that is practiced to be subtle, open to interpretation. “Whatever do you mean, Rei-chan?” he tilts his head. “I’m the same Nagisa from our childhood. I’m just taller, and provide entertainment and sex to wealthy men.” It’s the truth, yet Nagisa feels no pleasure from speaking it.

“Ah,” was all Rei says, appearing uncomfortable. Nagisa knows he has a smart retort to make, but out of courtesy of his former best friend— _former?_ —he decides to keep himself quiet. Nagisa is somewhat grateful for that.

It is silent as Rei makes the final preparations needed prior to Nagisa’s examination, and Nagisa feels like there’s some sort of net around him. He can’t move, he’s stuck, but he wants to be let out so he can speak to Rei, touch him, _hold him_ , but he can’t. He can struggle all he wants, but he still can’t reach for Rei, even if he’s right there. He feels trapped, and awkward. The net is uncomfortable.

He can breathe, yes, but he feels like he’s suffocating.

The silence is interrupted by a brisk cough. Nagisa covers his mouth to humbly mask it, hoping it will not escalate. However, like every fit, more coughs emerge, each more hurtful than the last. Unable to sit upright, he arches his back and curls in on himself instinctively, clamping the hand over his mouth as tightly as possible to prevent the petals and blood from seeping through.

“N-Nagisa-kun?!” Rei shouts, rushing to his side. Nagisa feels a hand on his back, patting him as if too soothe him, and he wants to believe it’s helping, but the coughs worsen, and it feels like he’s vomiting bouquets and _why now why now it hurts I can’t breathe Rei-chan please help me do something please_. “Until… Until now? Your coughs…”

Rei pulls back his long hair back to watch his expression, and Nagisa closes his eyes and turns his head away. He can’t see him like this. Yet it all happens so fast and so suddenly and _I don’t want Rei to see me like this but I can’t stop_ that the minute his grip on his face weakens, he feels the blood seep through.

“Nagisa-kun…?” Nagisa can hear the uncertainty, the fear, the concern, and it hurts. Hurts so much, _why does it hurt I didn’t want this but he’s finally here and he’s worrying about me he’s here for me he_... that he can’t stand it. He lets his hands fall so that he can use his arms to support himself, coughing and emptying his lungs not of air, but of petals and blood that splatter on the floor.

His eyes widen when he sees this, and he can guess that Rei’s face matches his own: a look of pure horror and confusion. Why was Nagisa spilling out flower petals? Nagisa doesn’t even know. Was this normal? No, it couldn’t be. He’s never heard of such an illness where one just vomits flowers that have spontaneously formed out of nowhere. It’s so strange that it sends another wave of confusing dizziness through Nagisa, and like after every attack that hits him as hard as this one, he collapses on his side. He breathes heavily, drowning, and the net around him offers him no support, only reminding him that even as he sinks, he’s trapped, with no chance to reach out and be saved.

The last thing he sees before he’s swallowed by a deep lull was a face that he longs to hold in his hands once more, gently, as he would a butterfly. 

 

 

 

He wakes up with a slow start, groggy and dehydrated. His voice comes out as a weak huff, and as he sits up, he realizes he is in his own quarters.

“Rei-chan…?” he calls, but doesn’t expect a response.

 _Ah, he’s left me again_ . It does not surprise him, but that doesn’t make the pain, the sorrow, the _regret_ , hurt any less. Upon realizing he is alone, he falls back on his bedding, crying tears that no longer existed. He brings up an arm to hide his embarrassing self, blocking his sight as well.

He did not notice his visitor until they call out. “Hazuki-san?” Tentative, unsure.

Nagisa does not bring down his arm. “I’m awake,” he replies. “Is that Nitori?”

“Yes,” his sliding door opens slowly, and he hears the sound of feet hitting the floor approaching him. He hears something clatter gently next to him. He hears the shuffling of clothes, and he peeks with a squinting eye at the boy who had gracefully walked in. “The doctor requests for you to be fed once you have woken up. He recommended this, and that you drink some fluids.”

“I see,” Nagisa smiles, though he ensures the boy doesn’t see. He forces himself up once more, and the motion of Nitori flinching does not go unnoticed. He accepts the small bowl of food, _must be done by Nitori, the ones working here wouldn’t stoop so low as to actually care for us_ , and gives his thanks. Before he could stand to leave, Nagisa stops him with a raised hand.

“Nitori, I have a few questions for you,” Nagisa begins, and he sees the gears turn loudly in the boy’s head, sees how stressed his heart feels. He nods nervously, as if anticipating punishment. Nagisa is quick to calm him, showing him a rare smile that is reserved for customers and close ones, _who aren’t around anymore_. It works, and stiff shoulders hunch forward with a soft sigh.

“What is it, Hazuki-san?” he blinks.

Nagisa doesn’t keep eye contact with him for very long, blowing gently at the steam the bowl in his hand emits. He lowers it to his lap, pondering the question in his head and deciding if he should voice it out. “Have you ever had someone… special to you? Close to your heart?”

Nitori, to Nagisa’ surprise, gives a bitter giggle, but it is more similar to a reserved breath. “Doesn’t everyone here?” Nagisa doesn’t disagree. “Everyone here was forced away from the ones that cared for them, and here, people only steal from them. It’s selfish. They all are.”

Nagisa feels himself become sad at the truth behind Nitori’s words, and his closed heart wants to reach out for the boy. However, since he’s been weak too many times, he’s experienced enough to know that it isn’t wise, and he steps on the feeling before it could grow any further. “I am assuming that’s the case for you as well?” Nitori was so young… Hadn’t he just arrived here?

“Yes,” Nitori has a bitter smile to match, and Nagisa regrets looking his way. Nitori does not look at his senior either, and continues. “I had someone who I had looked up to, a friend. Before that, he never acknowledged me, but then… we became best friends. He was always there for me, and I for him. He was so… brave, and smart… He was so prideful, but he trusted his friends so much too… He was so, so trusting… I think that was his biggest flaw, though.”

“Oh?” With that single, unconscious slip, Nagisa has once again been ensnared, incapable of escape. He regrets it, but he doesn’t. But he does. He mutes the emotions, but they bother him. He quietly waits for Nitori to continue.

“Yes, he…” Nitori takes a moment to collect himself, quickly rubbing a sleeve against the corner of his left eye, and Nagisa only watches, unmoving. “His family was gone, father died by the hand of some angry men, and his mother from suicide. There was only his sister and himself, and he had to watch out for both of them. Put shortly, he made a deal with the wrong people to acquire enough resources for his sister while she was ill, and when he failed to find enough money to pay back, and when the others bailed, he… He suffered like his father did.”

Nagisa wants to lift his hand, but he bites his tongue and lets it stay on the bowl. He doesn’t notice the way his finger taps it at an annoying pace. Nitori doesn’t notice either, as he is too busy fighting the droplets that threaten to rain down. His hands are clenched and shaking.

“I was just arriving, and I saw the way they… mercilessly… oh god,” Nitori covers his face with his hands, and Nagisa’s heart hurts with something sharp, and he feels helpless to the ache. He stays silent as Nitori tries to hush himself, and he feels that while he had waited, his soup had gone cold. He doesn’t mind. He wants Nitori to stop hurting himself further, _being vulnerable like this does not help you,_ but he cannot find it in himself to make him stop talking. Something within him, something small, young, and naive, tells Nagisa that Nitori might feel better after releasing some of his pain. His third oldest sister had done the same, and Nagisa listened. If Nitori needed someone to trust, then…

“They… they decided that in place of him, I would… would pay them back,” Nitori explains, and Nagisa bites his lip this time. _Never bite your lip, it could cause unnecessary and ugly scars that bleed_. He can’t help it, he needs to distract himself from the pain in his chest with another pain. “I was only… god, how old was I? How old were you, Hazuki-san?”

He knew what he was asking about. “I just turned thirteen,” Nagisa has never told anyone when he had begun being trained, it reminds him of memories and feelings he’d rather never retrieve back. He hates the fact that he took up the trade so well even with his late start, or so his sisters praised. _Perhaps they did not give me up sooner because they knew I was going to show promise._ Though the smaller talents like playing an instrument or dancing and singing were fine and gave him some joy, the fact that he has a natural talent for pleasing men years older than him makes him feel overwhelmingly unpleasant in not his circumstances, but himself.

“I was ten, I think,” Nitori whispers, and Nagisa whispers back, “Oh.”

“I was somewhere else, working as the one who cleaned after everyone was drunk and tired from the night, but I knew that they wanted me to do the same things. It wasn’t entirely different from here, but it was less popular, and I never really saw… that.” Nagisa makes a humming sound from his throat. “I thought all I had to do was dance and converse with drunk men, pretend I was enjoying their company while I poured them more drinks until they faint.”

“Oh, Nitori…” Nagisa flinches when he sees an arm raised, and he quickly lowers it, hoping Nitori hadn’t noticed. _Do not match his vulnerability._

“They trained me early, said I was cute, might as well put it to good use, there’s no risk because I’m a boy,” this time, the rain falls, undisturbed. “At first it was practice with performing, then how to read and write, then serving, then… pleasure. Someone bought my virginity when I was… what, er… two years ago?”

 _Fifteen_ , Nagisa frowns. _When I was still training to dance and learning to pour tea and converse. We were robbed or our innocence at the same time. Nitori…_

“I was moved here, to the more popular branch, and… it’s a lot worse,” Nitori admits, and Nagisa feels unworthy of the sadness directed at him. “I feel sorry for you, Hazuki-san…”

A snapping sound. Something breaks, slips and falls. Something is released. It scatters. Nagisa inhales air freely, and releases it. Again, and again. His eyes look up. “The pitiful one here is you, Nitori,” Nagisa says quickly, and he realizes too late that he’s dropped his food.

Nitori’s eyes waver, shining with a shaky gleam. “H-Hazuki-san? Are you o-okay—”

“No, of course I’m not!” He yells, and it bewilders even him why he is suddenly crawling over to Nitori’s space, where the boy sits on top of his legs, still politely posed. Nagisa gives him a strong glare. “How can you sit there, after all you’ve gone through, after telling me your story, and say you feel sorry for me?!”

“I-I don’t understand…” Nitori wants to run, but Nagisa grasps his hand before he can even process the thought. “Hazuki-san?!”

“Answer me!” Nagisa honestly can’t understand why he’s so angry, but he is. At what? Even he doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s mad. As if driven by some impulse rooted in him, he ignores all the protesting hands that want to tug him back and pushes forward, enveloping the smaller Nitori in his arms.

“H-Hazuki-san? What—” Nitori is cut off by another exclamation, and it’s one he’s never heard before.

“You didn’t deserve this!” Nagisa shouts, and it’s a shock to both of them to hear the current treasure of their pleasure house be brash and loud. “It’s unfair! To you, to your friend, it’s so, so unfair! How can you possibly… tell me that you’re sorry for me, when you… How can you ask if I am the one that is okay?”

His heart aches, and the feeling is so familiar that Nagisa laughs at himself, at both his past self and current self.

 _You’re making the same mistake, letting your heart be close to another,_ but it doesn’t matter!

 _Showing someone else your weak side will only make you an open target,_ it doesn’t matter if it does!

_Being vulnerable will make it easy to betray you. Haven’t you learned that?_

Nagisa hugs Nitori tighter. For once, _once,_ he longs for this to be something he will not regret. Since Rei’s parting, since his sisters’ disappearances, he had refused to show anyone genuine emotion in fear of being abandoned once more and suffering the loss of another part of him, something dear and important. He had thought he no longer has anything left to offer, but the reason lies in his fear of being hurt by people he has let in his heart.

He was afraid that Nitori would walk into it and leave it a bloody, ugly mess.

“Hazuki-san, even so…” Nagisa’s breath hitches almost painfully when he feels skinny arms circle around his shoulders and pull him closer. “My heart hurts for you, and so I naturally worry and care for you. Please allow me to do so, even if it’s selfish.”

 _Here, everyone is selfish_.

Nagisa wants to cry. He feels it in the way his throat constricts and it is difficult to breathe, in the way fingers clutch at Nitori’s robes tightly and begin to quiver with his lips. He wants to, but he refuses to, no.

However, as sudden as a flower being picked from a ground, as tender as its touch between one’s fingers, Nitori lets out another sob.

Nagisa follows suit soon afterwards.

 

 

 

“These are certainly symptoms I’ve never seen before,” Rei mulls over quietly. Nagisa sighs through his nose, noticing that Rei has kept his habit of voicing his thoughts aloud. It leaves him an open book, and Nagisa is its enthusiastic reader. “Spitting flowers… Where could they possibly originate? From which organ? How in the world are they procured? It’s so strange… Surely even Sasabe-san has never seen such a condition… How dangerous is it? Is it contagious perhaps? How can one possibly catch this…”

“Uh, Rei-chan?” Nagisa is— _was?_ —used to bringing Rei out of his on-the-spot reveries, and it leaves Rei always flustered at himself for being careless. It was really cute, the way his glasses would skew as he produced an unnecessary amount of apologies. Nagisa is guilty for wanting to witness that charm once more, but…

“Ah, my apologies!” Rei says, the volume of his voice increasing a startling amount that makes Nagisa flinch inwardly. “W-what is it, Nagisa-kun?”

… Nagisa wants to stop his endless train of thought because he was…

“... Too close,” he whispers, eyes averting when a vivid red splashes over Rei’s cheeks. The man quickly leans backwards, hands flailing as he stammers out “I’m so sorry, it wasn’t my intention to—oh god, this is terrible, so unprofessional, please excuse my behavior.”

Nagisa smiles, unaware of how this one was not forced or faked. “It’s fine, it’s just…” he raises his eyes to meet Rei’s, also unaware of how his eyes crinkle at the ends, as if he was about to cry. “I’m unused to this, to you.”

Rei raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” he asks, sounding hurt. “Are we not still friends? Besides, someone of your profession should be used to contact with the skin and—”

“Does not mean I enjoy it,” Nagisa interrupts, frowning now. “Even if I do it every single day, it’s never for me. It’s for the money, it’s for my body, it’s for the patron. Never for me.”

Rei is silent as Nagisa’s words settle in, then realizes the context of his previous words. “I-I did not mean to sound…” he trails off, lowering his head. “Sorry.”

Nagisa huffs, _he really hasn’t changed._ “I said it was fine,” Nagisa says. “You don’t need to bow your head and apologize to me. I’m just…” _broken, used, not the same. Me._  

“I’m apologizing because you are my friend,” Rei argues, his head dropping a tad lower.

Nagisa blinks rapidly, and he swears that in a quick instant a butterfly the same shade of deep blue as Rei’s hair flutters among the strands. Then he feels the same one stir trouble within his chest. Feeling itchy, Nagisa raises a hand to clutch at the front of his robes.

The butterfly does not stop.

 

 

 

“Hazuki-san!” Nitori calls, smiling as brightly as the sun. It’s a rare sight for Nagisa, thus it spurs a small, genuine smile on his lips. He is currently strolling the gardens, feeling some strange desire to gaze at the flowers today. He can detect spring coming soon. It should be soon, _it should be._ It’s warm, it’s bright, perhaps there is some hope in Nagisa’s dismal life.

“Ai-chan, I thought we had already discussed this?” Nagisa brushes a strand of silky gray hair behind the boy’s hair once he is close enough. “I am Nagisa, just Nagisa.”

“Ah…” Nitori’s smile turns bashful, and he tries again. “Nagisa… -san?”

Nagisa lets out the softest chuckle, drawing his gaze and body away from Nitori to look at the small garden. “Good enough,” he commends, watching, waiting, for insects. “What is it you need from me?”

“Ah!” Nitori stands by him, appearing giddy. “I just wanted to let you know… there’s a new recipe I’ve made in the kitchens! I’ve noticed that you are eating less, and usually after every meal I see you rush to empty your stomach… so…”

Nagisa’s ears buzz with an insect’s glee, but he knows it’s too soon for them to appear. They shouldn’t be flying about yet. He scratches a cheek. “Ah, you did not need to…” he begins, but Nitori shakes his head, giving him a grin that emits an excited radiance that Nagisa has to stop himself, almost surprised.

“I made it for you! It, er…” he suddenly reverts back to being hesitant, but at Nagisa’s encouraging nod, he continues. “It’s easier to digest than the regular porridge, and I think if served hot, it will help with your stomach problems… at least, I hope so.”

Nagisa wants to swat at the annoying pest that insists in creating noise in his brain. It prevents him from thinking, making clear thoughts. All he can think about is how happy he is, and it’s actually quite frightening. _Oh gods, why can’t I think of anything else besides Nitori’s kindness, of his concern, of his selflessness…_

_It hurts._

“That is very kind you,” Nagisa says, turning towards Nitori and raising a hand to rub his head as he would to his eldest sister before she had left him. “I appreciate it, truly, Ai-chan. However, you really did not have to go through the trouble. Weren’t the kitchen maids upset with you for using their kitchen again?”

“Not at all!” Nitori claims, and Nagisa notices the way the shorter is leaning into his touch, so Nagisa moves his hand to the side of his head, combing through hair that is straight and untangled. “They knew I used to clean and cook at the other branch, so they were fine with it… I was a special case.” Giggles carry out of his mouth, carefree. 

“Oh?” Nagisa gives another laugh of his own. “That’s nice. Have you been the one making the porridges for me whenever I faint from one of my fits?” He already knows the answer, yet it does nothing in calming the excited humming that only seems to become more distracting.

“Yes!” Nitori nods, blushing. “I’m glad you noticed. Though, I’ll admit, the first time was by the doctor’s insistence. This time too, he has suggested me what ingredients to use, and how to prepare them.”

The buzzing stops for a moment, then amplifies in volume, and Nagisa swears there’s more of them, but none he can see. “The doctor… you mean, Ryuugazaki-sensei?” he asks, though he already knows the answer to this too.

 _It hurts, it hurts. So loud._  

He predicts the nod before Nitori can act it, who says pleasantly, “Yes! I believe it is very kind of him to pay close attention to your ailment, perhaps he can heal you! You’ll be healthier by summer, or even spring, for sure!”

 _Again, the insects’ cries are too loud,_ Nagisa lets his hand fall, and turns towards the budding garden. Nitori doesn’t notice the way Nagisa’s eyes also fall, the pain in them, the way his lips tighten and his teeth clench. He is too busy exclaiming “If anyone will be able to cure your symptoms, it will be the doctor!”

_Again, all I can think about is how happy I am that he…_

Nagisa covers his mouth quickly, stopping his breath, and scurries back indoors. He faintly hears Nitori shouting for him, probably worried out of his mind, but Nagisa’s thoughts are filled with thousands of persistent noises as he runs. All he can think is _Rei-chan cares for me. He cares. He cares. He cares!_

 

 

 

“Nagisa, your complexion has worsened,” Rei holds his wrist gingerly, studying how thin they are, how sickly Nagisa must be, _how truly flawed I am._ “You have made no improvements…”

“How long do you suppose I have?” Nagisa asks, mostly out of monotonous jest, but at Rei’s expression, he clams up another retort as he takes back his hand. “R-Rei-chan?”

“Do not speak of such things!” Rei, again, raises his voice, as if the whole pleasure district must be able to hear him in order for him to feel like his point is getting across, _which there is really no need for, because since we were young, I’ve only ever looked at and listened to and was amazed by you._ “You… you will recover, I will be sure of it. I promise you.”

Nagisa’s smile turns bitter, and it makes him want to cringe and cry. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Rei-chan,” he reprimands him gently. “It’s fine. In this line of work, I wasn’t really expecting to live past twenty.” _It’s common, I’ve seen it too many times._

“When have I ever made a promise to you that I couldn’t keep?” Rei argues back, earnest. The sight of his utter determination wants to make Nagisa believe in him, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

“You’ve broken plenty, Rei-chan,” he states, his voice strangely flat, and the look on Rei’s face when he realizes the weight of Nagisa’s words doesn’t surprise him. It still aches all the same, and Nagisa seeks comfort by wrapping his arms around himself. “Please, for both our sakes, don’t make another.”

Rei should be agreeing, albeit with a heavy heart. Nagisa should then be satisfied with such a response, glad they could settle that so that there is no hard feelings lingering after their inevitable separation. Nagisa does not want to think about that right now, _does anyone ever?_ However, he knows that he cannot avoid the subject, considering his worsened health and frequent coughs that leave him dizzy and blank and _afraid._ He feels it fastly approaching, his last breath, and it makes him cherish every one he’s allowed to have.

However, Rei isn’t agreeing, and the face he makes is not depressed, not frustrated, not resigned. Rather than looking defeated, Rei appears to be… unafraid, eager, and _strong._ The adamant glare in his eyes remind Nagisa of the butterflies within him once more, who are also so insistent, so stubborn, so unwavering, _so beautiful._

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei starts, using a hand to take Nagisa’s with the gentlest touch. Nagisa notices the difference in their sizes, notices how much they’ve truly grown up from being snotty brats that asked stupid questions, _how my hand fits perfectly with his._ As he stares at Rei slowly locking their fingers together, finding his warmth pleasant, new, terrifying, _I want it,_ the taller speaks.

“There is still so much for you to do,” Rei’s voice is low, a whisper usually reserved for secrets, and Nagisa drinks it all up. “There is still so many springs, summers, autumns, and winters for you to experience. So many sights for you to witness. People you must meet and make friends with. Years that must be lived, memories that must be made, hearts that must be touched by your hands.”

The sour feeling is still there, and it makes Nagisa bite his lip as his face crumples slightly. He can’t meet Rei’s eyes, so he tears them away, looking down at his lap. Where Nagisa’s hold weakens, Rei makes up for it by wrapping an arm around Nagisa’s shoulders, drawing his body closer. He holds his hand tighter.

“Think about it, Nagisa-kun,” Rei’s voice is wistful, and Nagisa feels like he’s back to being the young child that listens to Rei’s whimsical, but honest stories about a world he does not know, because Rei is the only one he knows and needs. Still, because he wants to expand his world, he listens keenly, even if he does not want to show it. “There are skies that never end, an ocean that touches all lands, countries whose soil is a different color, so many different people, places, foods you certainly must try… Nagisa, there is so much out there waiting for you.”

“S-so what?” Nagisa cannot bring himself to care about his teary voice, or the way his arm unwillingly but unconsciously holds the back of Rei’s coat tightly. “Rei-chan, n-none of that’s for me. Even if… by some miracle, I’m cured, I cannot leave. They will not l-let me, I… Rei-chan, I can’t, I can’t… I will never be able to… to—Rei-chan, it just isn’t possible, even if…”

“It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?” Rei interrupts easily, slowly, and he lets go of Nagisa’s hand so that his arm can complete the embrace he has around Nagisa. He holds him in a way that Nagisa is unused to, as if he was something precious, irreplaceable, delicate. Like this, he can feel Rei’s warmth more so than ever before, and it burns him, so much that he wants to cry out in pain. However, he finds that the pain does not originate from anywhere on his skin, but rather, it is within him, which makes him even more confused, excited, scared, and… “A life outside of this dreadful place. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Nagisa-kun, you deserve so much more, I hope you understand that.”

Nagisa slowly lifts a hand to place it on Rei’s arm, holding him there tightly as well. Rei is firm, sturdy, everything that Nagisa couldn’t ever dream to be, but he’s _here, and he’s real, and he’s amazing, and I…_ “Rei-chan, I don’t…” He refuses to cry, but his resolve is breaking. “Please, don’t tell me that just to make me feel better. I know how dirty I am, how… undeserving I am of the wonders you speak of. Rei-chan, I’m a filthy whore who lies for money and pleasure! H-how could someone like me… Someone so selfish… I don’t… understand.”

“Nagisa-kun, have you forgotten?” Rei urges Nagisa to look at him. Nagisa stays still, ashamed to let Rei see his face. He doesn’t know what expression he’s making, and worse, he doesn’t know what expression Rei is making. He’s unsure if he wants to see it, but he knows that he definitely does not want Rei to see his own disgusting face. He attempts to wither his emotions down, to cage them, but they are fluttering about restlessly, and Nagisa cannot do anything to stop them from slipping through expanding cracks. Just like he cannot stop Rei from eventually carrying his face upwards so that he can gaze at him. Nagisa feels nervous at his stare. “What?” he asks, looking at anything but Rei.

“Whenever you do not understand something, I am there to help you understand.” Rei says simply, and at the same time, Nagisa hears the shy, aloof five-year-old who begrudgingly agreed, with his parents’ urging, to make friends with the lonely boy next door and eventually teach him how to read and write.

Nagisa sees the look of pure and honest confidence, devotion, and it makes him want to take the first step in order to soar. Rei’s conviction, as always, is contagious, and it makes Nagisa fall victim to that unstaggering hope that he has never put faith in.

However, he can put faith in Rei, because he…

“Okay,” was all he says, smiling widely as he leaps into Rei’s arms, laughter carrying high into the air as his spirit sings with some song he has never heard before.

 

 

 

A week later, Nagisa is permanently bedridden.

 

 

 

“They say… they are saying a lot of things, Nagisa-san,” Nitori admits, placing the bowl of his newest soup blend in Nagisa’s awaiting hands and lap. His eyebrows are scrunched, and even with gentle prodding, he refuses to look at Nagisa.

“What are they saying, Ai-chan?” Nagisa asks instead, focusing on his first meal of the day. He does not hear the gossip from where he sleeps, but he can tell it’s nothing positive or encouraging.

“They say you are going to… end up like your sister,” Nitori admits, looking frustrated with someone, but Nagisa does not know who. “I never knew you had a sister that was here with us.”

Ah. “Sorry, there was never an appropriate time to bring it up,” Nagisa stirs the mixture gently, waiting a few seconds before continuing. “Yes, I had three sisters that were years older than I was. They all used to be here as well, though I haven’t really interacted with them upon my arrival. They are gone now.”

“Oh, Three?” Nitori startles even himself with his volume. “I never knew… I-if I may ask, where are they now?”

Nagisa stops, still holding his spoon but the intent to eat is now long gone. “My two eldest sisters, shortly after training me and teaching me all they knew, disappeared with rich men. They must be happily living the rest of their lives, free of debt and stress.”

Nitori nods slowly, smiling slightly at the idea of two former courtesans gaining their freedom. Nagisa slightly regrets giving him that hope. “That is… nice,” Nitori offers, not knowing what else he could say. “And your third sister?”

“She quietly passed away sometime three years ago,”  was all Nagisa says before he frowns and continues. “They must be saying that I will end up like her. Dying young without anyone knowing, without a ceremony, and without saying goodbye.”

“N-no! Don’t say such a thing!” Nitori admonishes, but Nagisa can see clearly through the heart the boy wears on his sleeve. He is scared, he is worried, he is lost, and he doesn’t have the faintest clue of what he can and should do. Nagisa reciprocates those feelings, and as of late, he has begun to lose hope, even if he had just recently found it in a certain doctor. “Nagisa-san, there must be a way, I know it! I will keep studying along with Ryuugazaki-sensei in order to help relieve some of your pain! You’ll be well enough to perform again before you know it!”

Nagisa closes his eyes. Now that he’s physically unable to work, he cannot fulfill his quota, and his debt will simply grow larger the more he lies sick in bed. If he cannot cater to men anymore, if he cannot earn the money he needs not for himself, but for the family he no longer has, then his shared dream of leaving this wretched place with Rei is…

“... Impossible, huh.”

 

 

 

Amakata gives him a pitiful glance upon receiving Rei’s report, speaking in a hush and without remorse, and all Nagisa does is nod in response, unblinking, feeling so, so cold.

 

 

 

Nagisa is too unwell to walk to the room provided for Rei’s examinations, so Rei makes the journey to his personal quarters with Nitori’s guidance. Currently, he sits by Nagisa’s bedding, glancing at everything inside of his small room, giving a few seconds more to the bowl Nagisa keeps his petals in.

“Shouldn’t you have left by now?” Nagisa asks, recovering from yet another fit. It’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to speak, but he does so for Rei.

“How could I leave you?” Rei asks, though knows that Nagisa has no response to such a query. “I promised you, didn’t I? That I wouldn’t leave you… that I would heal you until you are feeling better.”

Nagisa blinks, confused. “You’ve broken that first promise so long ago, Rei-chan,” Nagisa isn’t sad to admit that anymore, as it is true. “The second… you never made such a promise. I wouldn’t let you make a promise that you could not keep.”

“I’ve made it on my own,” Rei admits almost sheepishly, preparing the medicine for Nagisa’s headache. Next to his bag is a list of foods Nagisa’s diet should consist of, and it was the same as the last list he had given to Nitori, who still dutifully creates Nagisa’s meals and brings them to him whenever he is free during the afternoon. Nagisa notices it and sighs a little, turning away from Rei and towards his window. Light peers through, and it hurts. The day is far too bright, the sun too insistent, and Nagisa too exhausted, sleepy, and _done._ “Is that so?” was all he said.

Rei frowns at Nagisa, eyes lowering to the bowl he had ground his herbs in. “Have you… given up?” He asked, almost accusingly. Nagisa does not glance at him, already guessing his expression from his tone. Rei wears it when Nagisa sneaks an extra treat for himself from Rei’s hands, when Nagisa complains about the number of practices Rei makes for him, when Nagisa drags him into yet another prank he’s set up for the neighboring bullies. Rei wears it too often, but… all Nagisa can imagine when he pictures Rei is his smile, his eyes, his blush, and it always succeeds in making him spit damned flowers, even now. As lovely as the thoughts are, all Nagisa can feel is pain, confusion, and death.

“I think… I have,” Nagisa admits, smiling as if he had tasted a sour fruit, but in reality he peels purple flower petals from his tongue. “I feel like… a wilting flower.”

“How so?” Nagisa does not see Rei shifting himself closer, medicinal bowl forgotten by his side.

“At some point in my short life, there was promise,” Nagisa begins, his voice pathetic, soft. “Some beautifully bright promise of a future… However, once there was even the slightest chance of me reaching for said future, growing taller towards the bright sky and extending arms to welcome and accept anything and anyone… It was all for nothing. Intentionally, by accident, or perhaps because I deserved it after all… as decided by some God that has hated me all this time… I was trampled, deserted, and just forgotten by everyone. I may have been pretty, hopeful, but now… perhaps it’s better to just give up. There is no chance of anyone admiring me anymore, of picking me. If they won’t step on me, I’ll be ignored, or perhaps thrown away. In the end, I’m still dying.”

Nagisa does not see Rei coming closer, practically near enough to peer over Nagisa with eyes bright with some strong emotion unknown to the holder himself. “Nagisa,” he begins almost desperately loud, and Nagisa knows that voice. It’s the voice Rei uses when Nagisa repeatedly ruins his strokes on purpose as some form of revenge, when Nagisa steals from the nearby shops, when Nagisa exclaims terrible, terrible things about his sisters and the things they’re preparing him for. “You are a flower, but not one that has wilted, not yet.”

Nagisa decides to humor him as a favor. “How so?” he redirects, sporting a weak, but existing, smile. He turns on his back so he can look at Rei, outwardly relaxed.  

Rei lifts his hand, hesitates, then moves to rest it on Nagisa’s hair. He is probably marvelling at how soft Nagisa’s hair still is, Nagisa thinks, remembering how there has been several occasions where Rei would touch Nagisa’s hair the same way. Then and now, a comfortable, careless smile falls on his lips. The world seems to be at peace.

“You’re still beautiful,” Rei tells him. “Still so bright and full of life. So colorful and energetic. Yes, you have been stepped on, left alone, but there are still those who admire you for your strength. For your kindness. For your beauty. You are so very, very unique, Nagisa, and deserving of a future. I know many would agree with me.”

Nagisa will not fall for it this time. Even if he did… “Rei-chan, your words are meaningless now,” he states, the world a melancholic blue, but still peaceful. “You’re so late… Too late.”

“No, I refuse to believe that I am!” His other hand travels to Nagisa’s, and without any regard for Nagisa’s condition, he clasps it tightly. Nagisa, since his movements are still and his heartbeat is faint, can feel Rei tremble. “You have a chance, Nagisa. Please, please. Listen to me, believe in me.” He’s desperate now, ranting and rambling, all sense of formality thrown carelessly away without a second thought. “I do not speak to you as your doctor, or as your caretaker… I speak as your friend. Please, do not give up on life. Do not give up on me.”

Nagisa feels them. Feels them fill his throat, feels them fill his lungs. He takes a calculated breath, yet it was not enough. He cannot take much more of this. He knows. Even if he did… “Rei-... Rei-chan…” He begins, taking a moment to find his words and his breath. Both run from him, and he struggles to catch them. He doesn't know what to say. “I… I want to live just as much as you want me to… But I don’t think it’s… possible anymore.” The world is swaying to and fro, as if Nagisa was swimming through it. 

“No…” Rei’s voice is a quiet, shocked thing, barely loud enough to reach Nagisa’s ears. A little louder, he bumbles out, “You must live… You must! Without you, the world would be… I would be…”

Nagisa squeezes Rei’s hand. The small action does not stop it from shaking intensely as Rei battles the onslaught of tears wanting to escape him. Nagisa is not strong enough to do the same, and the world continues to be bathed in a dismal hue, dark and blurry. He wanted to stay by Rei’s side if he could, but there was no chance now. He had dreams of that, of them, and slowly gave up on them. When he had returned, Nagisa had the smallest desire to find those dreams once more, to live it, to make it a reality. It may be impossible now, but…

“Even if I did…” Rei stares into him, and Nagisa wants nothing more than to lift his glasses away and wipe the little tears that have outlined his eyes. He is suddenly hit with the urge to lean in close as well as the desire for Rei to come even closer. He dismisses it, instead focusing his energy on matching Rei’s gaze and holding his hand. “Do you think… I could go with you this time? If I didn’t die here? Could we leave and explore the world together?”

“Of course!” Rei says this a little too quickly. “I… Before I left, your youngest sister… she visited me. She asked me to come back for you. She asked me to take care of you when I did. She asked me to look after her only brother, who she loved so, so much. I promised her that I would love you in her and her sisters’ place once they are gone.”

Nagisa blinks at the strange word. “Love…?” _No, it couldn’t be…_ Something disrupts the calmness the world inherited, causing a ripple that sends Nagisa reeling, dazed and shocked into silence.

_Was that what those butterflies were?_

_Was that what his sister’s hugs were?_

_Was that what Nitori’s meals were?_

_Was that what Rei-chan…_

_That was…_ “Why would you… make such a promise?” _Was that what I was feeling all this time… towards Rei-chan? All these years? These thoughts, these dreams, these feelings… it was…_

“Is it not obvious?” Rei shakes his head, and the world suddenly tilts on its axis. Nagisa feels himself slide towards Rei, as if drawn to him by an unnatural, inexplicable pull. Nagisa feels his useless body being gathered into strong arms. Nagisa feels a strong heart against his own. “I… I…”

 _It couldn’t be…_ He listens to the beat of his heart. The faint rhythm has lost its meaning the moment Nagisa learned he had no future to strive for, to live for. So why does it still sing so defiantly and proudly, especially when he thinks of his sisters, of Nitori, of Rei?

_Is it… really…_

_Don’t say it_ . “Rei-chan?” _Don’t say it._ “You… what?” _Don’t say it!_

“I…” Rei lets his head rest against the side of Nagisa’s, possibly escaping, hiding, from his embarrassment. Nagisa can sense the heat from his cheeks, and it’s so warm against his cold sweat. He relishes and hates how it feels. “Nagisa-kun… I believe that you are very dear to me, and the possibility of losing you terrifies me so much that I… I feel that I’m losing myself as well.”

 _It’s the same as me…_ Nagisa opens his mouth to call Rei’s name, but all that leaves him is a strangled gasp for air. One of Rei’s hands return to the back of his head, and Nagisa struggles to breathe. Rei’s scent engulfs him like a raging tide, and Nagisa was the lone, defenseless flower resting unsuspecting on a serene patch of grass. It’s far too much for him to handle, and he needs to get away. His trembling hands try to push Rei, whimpers threatening to flee from his throat. But, like his tears, the dam breaks very quickly.

“Nagisa-kun…” Rei’s voice does not hush his cries, but Nagisa lends him an ear, paying attention to the man that embraces him for what could be the very last time. “You mean so much to me… So, so much. From the moment I found you reaching for the trees’ flowers and later asking for my help… from the moment you completed your first writing test and showed me your score with this wide, wide smile… from the moment you hit the bullies who stole from me… Nagisa, there’s so much to love about you.”

Nagisa is unable to speak, still processing the words. If Rei is not lying, then that certainly means he…

“I care so much for you,” Rei admits then, and Nagisa’s world plummets so hard and so fast that it forces more flowers from his throat from the shock of the impact. Rei holds him so tightly and closely as he waits for him to calm, ignoring the blood and petals that stain and cover his robes. As Nagisa recovers, limbs quaking with a significant tremor and his mind consumed by panic, Rei continues. “Nagisa-kun, you must know that I… I need you.”

With the world becoming less blurry and more distinct, Nagisa sees something small enter his view. It is a butterfly that flits towards his wounded body, encouraging him to move on, to survive. It is fluttering around him constantly as if relieved and overjoyed to see him. 

 _He needs me_ , Nagisa’s eyes widen, catching a ray of light that pokes through a gray sky. _I’m needed_. The light then bursts into an explosion of warmth and kindness, of a mother’s lullaby he barely remembers, of a flower that is slipped behind his ear and kept there until the end of the night, of a letter that he held to his chest after reading it and weeping endlessly, of the man who has cared for him and continued to care for him despite all that’s happened to both of them. Of a butterfly that's always stayed with him.

Every time this warmth hits him, it stings, it blinds, it scares him. But now…

Nagisa finally finds the words he wants to say.

He allows the butterfly to approach him, and embraces it fondly, welcoming it with a smile as if they hadn't seen each other in so long. 

“I… need you, too.”

 

 

 

Spring finally arrives, bright and full of promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reference:  
> nagisa's age ---> event  
> 5 - nagisa and rei first meet  
> 11 - rei begins teaching nagisa how to write more complicated characters  
> 13 - nagisa's sisters begin training him  
> 14 - nagisa transfers into the courtesan house, rei leaves soon after (hence why he could only watch him leave), nagisa begins to interact with patrons while training  
> 16 - nagisa begins to spit out flowers (purple hyacinth flowers, which symbolize sorrow, forgiveness, regret)  
> 18 - nagisa's virginity is sold at a high price  
> 20 - current time
> 
>  
> 
> thank you thank you so much for reading!! <3 it means so much to me (sorry this update was late as well, typhoon yutu happened ahahaha;;;)  
> please do leave comments or share your thoughts with me!! ^ ^ <3  
> have a fantastic day, and happy new year!!


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